Look, ma, we made it! We have hit double digits. This shouldn’t be a big thing, but it totally is. If I stuck to my original plan and wrote weekly (like I promised myself), this would be #13 or #14. Clearly, I didn’t, but I won’t be too hard on myself. The fact that I’m writing my 10th post is a massive achievement for me. (Drishti, look! I actually stuck with a writing project for a change!)
Ok, so, this might probably be a follow-up to my previous post? I’m not entirely sure. In case you haven’t read it, I would recommend doing it before reading this one. If you don’t want to, that’s fine. This isn’t Westworld – you aren’t going to be lost since there’s next to no plot building in my blog. (Can I just say how much I wish there was?)
If you have followed my blog so far, you’ll know that I’m on a journey to become a better version of myself—a better human. And to do that, I must know my flaws and identify their causes. Only then will I be able to address them and truly get to where I want to be. (It’s funny because this was never the intention of the blog, but hey! Here we are.)
I recently had a session with my psychotherapist because I had identified a few negative patterns in my life and wanted to get an outsider’s perspective. What I love about my therapist is that he never gives you the answer – he lets you arrive at it. He also gives you an unbiased opinion, which is something every good therapist does, but not all therapists are good (trust me, I know).
I digress. So, negative patterns in my life. I mentioned a couple of them in my last post – not believing I’m good enough and putting myself second in relationships (which were somewhat interconnected, I guess). While the hope was to address these issues, we ended up talking about an entirely different (but just as important) problem that took the majority of the hour. But it was for the best because I learnt something new during that session and have wanted to write about it ever since—the attachment theory.
Allow me to provide a quick overview of the attachment theory (with the help of an article I found on Google). There are four styles of attachment: 1. Secure – the ability to form secure, loving relationships with others. 2. Anxious-Preoccupied – marked by a deep fear of abandonment (my attachment style). 3. Avoidant-Dismissive – marked by a fear of intimacy. 4. Fearful-Avoidant – desperately craving affection and wanting to avoid it at all costs. For some fucked up reason, your attachment style is developed in your infancy based on the level of care and affection you get from your parents/caregivers. Isn’t that just wonderful? We don’t remember a single thing from these years, but it shapes all our relationships in our adult life. I have very strong feelings about this, but it’s not like I can do anything about it. So, I’ll move on.
The anxious-preoccupied type. That’s me, without a shadow of a doubt. People with this attachment style like to put people on a pedestal while believing that they aren’t good enough and whatever little they get is all they deserve. That’s why they cling to it. No matter how much it hurts them. Or drains their energy. Or fucks up their mental stability. They will cling to it and fight for it because they also believe that their effort is all they will need. This is obviously not a good thing, and I wish I had found out about this earlier. But I won’t blame myself. I know my flaw now, and all I can do is work towards fixing it.
It’s funny because it’s like learning a new language. When you’re a child, it happens almost naturally. But, if you try to learn a language as an adult, it’s a much, much bigger challenge. You’ll get the grammar wrong. You’ll perhaps mispronounce words. Maybe even use the wrong word in some instances. And it’ll take a shitload of effort to get to a place where your understanding of the language is enough to save your life. And then a bigger shitload of effort to actually become good at it. I’m at the beginning of that journey. I’ve just decided I want to learn a new language, so the road ahead seems long and uncomfortable. But I know it’s one I must take.
You know what I don’t understand? When I look back at my childhood, I don’t really see what could have been the cause. Were my parents perfect? Abso-fucking-lutely not! But they weren’t terrible by any means. They seemed to be always available – maybe it was just a bit too literal. But it’s so easy to blame your parents for what you are as a person today. Do they deserve it, though? The blame? I don’t think so. I think they did the best they could with what they had (this is obviously not true for everyone. I’m only speaking about my experience). Like, even the idea of mental health would have been so foreign to them back then. Gosh, I just realized that I was a newborn when they were as old as me today. That really puts things into perspective. Here I am, a 26-year-old man who’s not even in a relationship trying to express my thoughts through words. They, on the other hand, had to take care of an asshole that pooped everywhere and kept them awake at night, all while trying to make ends meet. Goddamn, that sounds like the opposite of fun and I, for one, am glad I don’t have to deal with an asshole and their poop.
I also found out through my research that people like me are just generally attracted to the avoidant types. Of fucking course. Why not make everything just that much more difficult? Why could I not like someone that’s securely attached? Because fuck me, that’s why. I don’t believe in the existence of God, but it’s things like this that make me question myself. There must be a sick twisted bastard upstairs pulling the strings on this shit, no?
In all seriousness, though, I can now see why the girl I liked shut me out. I understand. While I didn’t at first and was kinda mad at her, I now see why she acted the way she did. She’s fearful-avoidant. And knowing a little about what her life has been like, my heart aches for her. Genuinely. I just want to reach out to her and say that I understand. I wonder if she needs to hear that. I think she does. She deserves to be loved and to know that she deserves love. I also feel the need to recognize that I’ve referenced her a few times in my blogs. Although, in my defence, each time has been the result of a discovery/new learning, so maybe it won’t be a thing moving forward?
If my mother ends up reading this, know that I don’t blame you. One of your greatest qualities is that you’re willing to accept that you’re not perfect (which is a huge thing for a brown parent) and are open to learning/unlearning. I know that if you had the resources I have today, you’d be an even better parent than you already are.
As for me, my journey toward becoming a better human continues. I even bought a book earlier today that is apparently a great read and could teach me a few ways to go from being anxious-preoccupied to secured. I’m not sure how much of a difference these self-help books make, but here’s me selfishly hoping that it helps.