I haven’t written in a while, and I’m not really sure why. Yes, I’ve been busy, but have I been so busy that I couldn’t take an hour or two out to write? I don’t think so. But, oh well, here we are. It’s honestly a surprise that I’m doing this on a Monday, but I know that if I don’t do it today, I’ll just end up procrastinating.
I’ve wanted to pen (type) my thoughts about this ever since it happened, and I probably should have when it was fresh in my mind. All I can do now is promise that I’ll try to do my best to articulate it as well as I can.
A couple of weeks ago, we had a virtual Black History Month program called “Mindfulness: A Calm Alternative to Stress and Chaos.” Now, anyone who knows me would know that I practise mindfulness – I try to do it just before bed every day. In all honesty, though, I probably do it once every other day. But that’s beside the point. What I’m trying to say is that mindfulness as a concept wasn’t new to me, so I wasn’t sure I would have much to take away from this program. I’m so glad I was wrong.
While the session started as a mindfulness exercise – taking deep breaths and collecting our thoughts – it quickly turned into something so much more. The speaker, Sky Jarrett, who is a mindfulness instructor, among other things, shared stories from her personal life and opened herself up just so the people listening would feel more comfortable. Comfortable knowing that we’re all going through similar issues and that it’s okay not to be okay.
Throughout the session, she spoke about many things that made me sit back and go, “huh, interesting. I never thought of that.” One of the things that she said was that every person has different reactions to things. She explained that regardless of the situation, we all tend to react to situations in one way or another. Some people get angry and toss things around. Others ignore the problem/issue. As she continued to state some more examples, one thing stood out to me. She said that some people try to be a hero for others. And this made me stop and reflect.
“Trying to be a hero for others.” Huh, if it isn’t something I do every day. But is that a good thing? Wait, I just realized you might need some context.
So, I am, what I consider, an overthinker. I mean, we all do it at times, but my overthinking is genuinely a problem. I come up with non-existent issues out of thin air. All thanks to my sometimes-stupid brain. Anyway, I have thought about the hero thing in the past. And, to be honest, I still do. I have wondered if it’s due to the goodness of my heart or the desire to be praised. I’d like to believe that it is because I’m inherently good, but am I really? I don’t know the answer to that.
So, when Sky brought that up, I started thinking about why I try to be a hero. Even when I don’t necessarily should be. Or need to be. After thinking about it for a good three minutes, I thought it would be best to ask her. And, so, I posted this on our Teams chat – “How do I stop trying to be a hero when I can’t be one?” I hadn’t realized until I asked this question that it was something that I should have asked myself a long time ago.
It’s funny because I wasn’t always like this. I would say that I was almost the opposite. I would care only about the people that were extremely close to me. Now, it could be someone I have known for two days, and there’s a good chance that I would go out of my way to help them.
It’s also funny because I have, in quite a few instances, thought, “if I could take your pain on, I would.” But why would I do that? Why would anyone do that? Wouldn’t it be better if they worked towards getting rid of that pain on their own? Why should I take it on? This reminds me of that bit from Bojack Horseman where Bojack’s publicist tells him, “Don’t fetishize your own sadness.” I wonder if I am fetishizing other people’s sadness. God, I really really hope not.
Sky was wonderful during the session. When she saw my question, she took about three minutes of her time to respond to me. And I’m deeply appreciative of it. She said it’s important to notice with whom I try to be a hero and the circumstances. That’s step 1. Once I know when and how it happens, I can try to be there for them in other ways. So, I can still be the support they need but without overcommitting—sound advice from Sky (Shout out to my work friends for sending encouraging messages on personal chat after I posted my question).
Not too long ago, my friend said something hilarious but also slightly troubling. We were talking about this girl and how I wanted to help her get better, to which she said, “you’re a white woman. You try to fix other people’s shit when you don’t need to.” I laughed for a good little bit but then realized that is exactly what I do. Why am I trying to take other people’s pain when I can be there for them in different ways? Just because I’m mentally healthy doesn’t mean I should take it upon myself to make people feel good. Or feel okay. Or not feel like shit, I guess. I need to take a step back and realize when to stop. It’s only for my sake.
So, yeah. Now I’m on a journey to try not to be a hero – especially when I don’t need to be one. I’m trying to unlearn and learn new ways to be there for people. And give them the support they need. But without risking my mental well-being. Will it be easy? I don’t think so. But I need to make it happen. I’m glad that I’m someone that wants to help other people, but I need to do it in such a way that I don’t risk my own sanity (Sanity might be a big word in this case, but I’m sure you get what I’m trying to say).
Putting myself first is something I’ve always struggled with, but it’s high time I do it. I might be crazy for not doing it before, but now might be a great time to start.