Hello again, my three friends. Welcome back to SanDeep Thoughts. In my previous post, I spoke about making new friends in 2021. I’m happy to report that I kicked off this year by making a new one.
You should know that I’m someone that LOVES conversations. Not just about my favourite TV show or the musician I have on repeat, but about, for lack of a better word, ‘bigger’ things. Usually, I have these conversations with people I’ve known at the very least for a little while. I’m trying to change this because I now realize that “strangers” are more likely to have a unique perspective on things.
Maybe that’s why things were different with this new friend. Or maybe it was because a long-time friend of mine introduced her, and I didn’t feel the need to keep my guard up. It legit felt like I had known her for years.
After hours of stimulating conversations, she told me that she had learnt graphology when she was younger. For the uninitiated, graphology is the analysis of handwriting to determine someone’s personality traits. This practice is considered by many to be like astrology (I’m personally not a big fan of it tbh). Nothing but pseudoscience. Now, I have no opinion on graphology, and I’m not for or against it, but I’ve got to say at least 90% of her analysis was bang on.
Not ambitious enough? Check. Low self-esteem? Check. Putting myself second in relationships? Check. This is not to say that it was all bad. If anything, most of it was good. Some were even great. But, in true millennial fashion, I’ll only mention the negatives. *Insert upside-down smiling emoji*
I was asked to write a paragraph about literally anything for the analysis. She took about ten minutes to review my handwriting (if only all results were that quick). One of the first things she mentioned after was that she could see that I was “moving away from your roots.” *Insert Leonardo DiCaprio pointing at camera meme*
Quick side note: what she said wasn’t news to me. I’ve honestly known this for a long time (more on that in a bit). But I’d be lying if I said that my mind wasn’t absolutely blown when she shared her findings. I literally shouted, “what the actual fuck?! How do you know all this based on how I fucking write?!” Or something to that effect.
Moving away from my roots. That’s it! I would never have quite put it that way, but that’s what has been happening ever since I moved here. Hold on. I’m just starting to realize that I need to provide some additional context to you lovely people.
So, this began about two years before I left India. This feeling that I didn’t quite belong. What do I mean by that? I’m going to try my best to explain it, but I’ll say that I tried explaining it to my psychotherapist, and even though he said he understood, I’m not quite sure he did.
Have you ever been in a room full of people and wanted to be anywhere but there? That was me every second that my mind wasn’t occupied. I didn’t know why. I’m not sure if I know the reason even now if I’m honest. It certainly wasn’t my friends because most of them were like-minded individuals. It wasn’t my family either. But that feeling was constantly there. Gnawing at me. Like a parasite.
I want to clarify that I was not suicidal. Not one bit. I felt like I didn’t belong, yes, but that didn’t mean I wanted to take myself out of the equation. If anything, I wanted the situation to change. But I didn’t know where to begin.
When my plan to move to Canada became a serious possibility, I started to wonder. Will this feeling change when I leave the country? Or would it be more of the same?
I had (still have?) many problems with India. I’m basically royalty in India (and it’s important to mention that I hate this), so I know I’m speaking from a place of privilege. Let me elaborate. I’m a man. Unfortunately, that means way more than it should in the country. I was brought up in a Hindu household (I’ve been an atheist since I turned 15). We weren’t a part of any backward castes (just another way to divide humans like we don’t do that enough already). And we were upper-middle class. The only thing I didn’t have going for me was my dark(er) complexion. Indians are obsessed with fair skin, and I have a million thoughts about it, but more on that another time.
So, when I say I have something against the country, I don’t say it lightly. India is culturally rich and unlike any place you could ever visit. The difference between states will boggle your mind (and white people, no, we don’t see elephants everywhere). You could explore the country for an entire year and still not see enough. I mean, I lived in the country for 22 years and have visited multiple places, and still haven’t seen it all.
But the country has way too many issues, starting with the way women are treated. As much as it sucks saying it, they are simply considered the ‘lesser’ gender. Let me put this into perspective for you. Women in poor families work their asses off as maids or cleaners to keep the lights on while the husbands do nothing but drink all day. And yet, women are treated like they’re somehow not as important as people like me. Obviously, not all women face this, but it’s more common than you think. Sidenote, I think it’s important to mention that my family was mostly free of these “cultural norms,” so I’m very grateful for that.
Coming back to the issues, how about the absolutely ridiculous number of rapes? Or the way poor people/people from lower castes are treated? Or the Hindu-Muslim divide (Hindus are usually the assholes, BTW)? These issues are just the tip of the iceberg. I think that sometime during this phase, I stopped relating to my fellow people. I felt a little less Indian every passing day. Less proud of the country that everyone said I should be proud of.
And, so, as my Canadian dream got closer, I used to think, “would things be any different after I leave?” Would it be more of the same? What if this wasn’t limited to India? What if I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere?
The move to Canada happened in August 2017. I wish I could say that the feeling went away, but, unfortunately, it didn’t. Fortunately, it was less intense. Being insanely busy with school and work also helped. The first year and a half were quite challenging, but things started to change after that. I began to feel more at ease as I started hanging out with Canadians. Feel more like I belonged.
Now, I’m not saying Canada is some kind of paradise. It absolutely is not. This country has its problems. Less than six months ago, we discovered just how cruel the settlers were to the people that this land belonged to.
But I know the people here are working towards making it a better place to live. A place where everyone can live without fear of judgement. A place where everyone can be proud of themselves. I wish I could say the same about the country where I was born. Which is why I think I’d rather be here than in that part of the world.
When I look back at myself from five years ago, I don’t even recognize myself. The way I think, the way I am, everything’s changed. While many people might think I’m “putting it on” or “faking it” (I’ve been directly and indirectly told this), I’m fucking proud of who I’ve become. And, although I’m only about half Canadian (I’ll become a permanent resident soon) at this point, I consider myself more Canadian than Indian.
So, yes, I’m moving away from my roots. That’s not a bad thing. People change. The way they think also does. The only constant is change.